“If evolution really works, how come mothers
only have two hands? – Milton Berle
As much as fathers love their
daughters, they still want a son. Not
because of the whole “carrying on the family name” thing. It’s because they need more testosterone in
the house to counteract the vast sea of estrogen, ready to pull them down to
drown in an ocean of pink fluff, rainbows and unicorns.
We were thrilled when little
Michael was born. He was so sweet and
adorable… until he reached the age of teeth.
No matter what anyone tells
you, there is a definite difference between raising girls and raising a
boy. I can have a living room full of
little brownie girl scouts and aside from the incessant giggling, they will
stay seated and remain fairly well behaved.
Put one little boy in the room and the giggles turn to screams. “Mom!
Michael is making armpit farts again!”
At which time the mention of the word “fart” gets the whole potty mouth
stuff started with Michael running around calling each of the girls a poopy-head.
Little boys have boundless
energy with two speeds... fast and faster.
They see a sofa and it becomes a dragon that they must pounce on and
stab with their empty wrapping paper roll swords. The throw pillows become bombs, which when
thrown will explode with torn seams. Little
boys love toys that drive, sail, fly or dig… with sound effects. If the toy doesn’t come with sound effects,
they will create their own or they will enhance whatever noise the toy does
come with. And friends without children
love gifting these loud, repetitive noise, toys to your little boy. When they do, be sure to allow the child to
bring along the siren driven fire engine or the pulsating laser gun or anything
Elmo whenever you go to visit them.
Michael was four years old
before he realized his name wasn’t “Michael No”.
Boys are physical. Hugs turn into full body slams. Tables turn into mountains from which they
will parachute using the sheet from their bed.
Trees must be climbed, even if the tree is 30 feet tall. By the time they are 10, you and the
orthopedic surgeon will be on a first name basis.
And pee will be
everywhere. Everywhere. On the floor.
Behind the toilet. On the wall. Everywhere.
We tried to correct this situation by painting a target on one of those
plastic balls you see in the bounce houses and ball pits. It was too big to flush down the toilet and
it gave Michael something to aim at. When I realized the ball had to eventually be
washed, we switched to sprinkling a couple of Cheerios into the toilet for him
to aim at. That worked for a while until he got creative and tried hitting the
targets from different angles. Long
distance from the bathroom door. While
standing on the sink. While hanging from
the shower curtain rod. The peeing
everywhere never stops. The only thing
that changes is that as they get bigger, their range increases.
SNOWBALL
COOKIES
Ingredients:
· ¾ cup soft butter
· 1 Tbsp. water
· 1/3 cup sugar
· 1 tsp. vanilla extract
· 1/8 tsp. salt
· 2 cups sifted flour
· 1 cup finely chopped pecans
· Powdered sugar
Procedure:
Combine butter, vanilla, water, salt and
sugar. Blend well. Stir in flour and
chopped pecans. Roll into 1 inch balls
and place on ungreased cookie sheet.
Bake at 300 degrees for 30 minutes.
After baking, while still warm, roll in powdered sugar.
When Michael was 10, he played
football in a Pop Warner league. After
the third game, Michael’s coach came up to my husband and asked him to please
not let me come to any more of the games.
Apparently it isn’t cool for a Mom to run onto the field during the game
to make sure her little boy wasn’t hurt after he was tackled. It didn’t matter how
good the snacks were that she provided the team, it just wasn’t cool.
Boys tend to disappear between
the ages of 14 through 18. They come
home from school and go straight to their rooms. They come out for dinner, but keep their
heads down, mumbling and chewing until they are finished eating. Then they disappear back into their room
again.
This is totally different from
girls at this age. They want to be seen
and heard. They want everyone to know
every bit of drama in their lives. If
they are upset, they want you to be upset. They are in your face nonstop
between the ages of 14 through 18. The
only thing that keeps you going as a mother is knowing that they will be going
away to college very soon. In
anticipation, you pack their bags while they are still in their junior year of
high school. And then when the big day
actually comes, you cry all the way home from Orientation.
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