Tuesday, February 14, 2017

An open letter to my book boyfriends...

Dear Book Boyfriends,

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'd like to take a moment to thank you for everything you do (or rather, don't do)...

You never steal the remote, forcing me to watch endless sports programs or shows that only a ten-year old boy would appreciate. Nor do you take up my DVR space so you can rewatch these shows filled with scatalogical humor, making a point to rewind them -- just in case I missed a particularly enthusiastic fart noise.

You don't scratch or rearrange yourself for almost twenty minutes straight, pausing every now and then to shift and release deadly gases in the form of rumbling thunder that shakes the walls of the house and makes the dogs hide under the bed in terror.

You don't leave your whiskers all over the bathroom sink every morning after you shave, or especially right after I finish cleaning said sink. 

You always put the cap back on the toothpaste... and roll the tube from the bottom up, not squashing it in some primitive display of your awesome strength.

You know how to empty a dishwasher, cook a meal, do a load of laundry, and even take out the trash -- without me having to "teach" you again every few days -- or having to clean up your mess from your "attempts". 

You understand that dishwashing soap cannot be used in the washing machine (and vice versa).

Your boxers don't have holes or any signs of pesky skid marks. You also don't leave them all over the floor when the laundry basket...IS RIGHT OVER THERE.

Your physiques are almost godlike, with no paunch or love handles. You don't know how to jiggle your belly or make your bellybutton "talk" to me. 

You can't say the alphabet in one long belch. I don't think you even know how to belch.

You always leave the toilet seat down for me when you're finished...and your aim is the stuff of legends. You always make sure the toilet paper is snug on the roll and facing the proper direction.

You don't leave the bathroom door open when you're sitting on the toilet... nor do you call me on the phone while you're in there simply because you're bored. You don't ask me if I want to see when you've made a particularly large... deposit. 

You don't stare at your phone or play fantasy football when I'm trying to have a conversation. You also understand that grunting is not an acceptable form of communication... nor is scratching.

And finally... you don't mind when I cheat on you with other book boyfriends. You just patiently wait for me to come back to you, never complaining. Your pages are always open to me.

So thank you to all my book boyfriends...from the bottom of my heart. Because without you, I'm not sure I could deal with the ones in the real world. 

Love always,

The Novel Ladies


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